Day 148: Loss of Focus

Day 148: August 21, 2020
Global Cases: 23, 108, 416; Deaths: 802, 600
Egypt Cases: 97, 148; Deaths: 5, 231

Mahmoud Tarek Abdellatif
Political Science Junior

It has been just over six months since COVID-19 hit Egypt, and it has been six months of a slow decline. At the beginning of the spring semester, I had finally committed to a routine, one that balanced work and study, with exercise and with time to hang out with my friends.

I have always been one to struggle to set a routine schedule, or to motivate myself in leaving the house. I did not think that the six months of staying at home would be difficult for an anxious introvert, but more so, I did not expect that quarantine would derive me off my focus.

Days turned to weeks and to months. Time sped, and yet each day felt longer and more drawn out. I lost focus. For the first time, I struggled to cope with the idea that too much of a good thing (for me) was a bad thing, specifically with staying at home. I struggled to focus on studies and tasks and got some of my worst grades to date.

The loss of focus was not exclusive to my studies. I have always been faulty in keeping up and connecting with people. This quarantine just further exposed this flaw. Friends that I hung out with everyday suddenly seemed so far away, and I made little to no effort to maintain the connection. I was only exposed to my family, and to chatting with a few friends that I only saw six months later.

I lost focus on myself.

I gained weight when I was finally committed to losing it. I could not read a page when I had bought a stack of books at the Book Fair. I could not play video games, engage with people, study, or do anything positive.

I just lost focus and waited for each day to pass by. This all coincided with my worst flaw, at least in my opinion, which is that I overthink everything. I thought so much over so many things that it spiraled out of control, into a depressing state of mind and thoughts of death. I kept them to myself, until now, hoping that they would go away. I never felt that I wanted to act upon these thoughts, but they always lingered, always at the back of my mind whenever I begin to overthink a mistake.

The easing of some restrictions was meant to alleviate these feelings, these thoughts. I went out with my old friends a few times where we talked, and just yesterday we returned from a weekend on the North Coast where it was all fun, making me forget the troubles back home.

I nearly did not go on this little vacation, as my mind and heart consumed me and family issues convoluting my paths. I went anyways, not due to my will, but because someone else had to push me. Yet, even as I was losing in a game of monopoly after a day at the beach, I was still thinking, I was still struggling. These days, I find myself acting in ways I do not feel like acting, and yet I do.

For The Caravan‘s previous diary entries in Arabic and English go to our COVID-19 Special Coverage page.

I say things or do things I regret immediately, discover issues about those close to me that shatter my world and make me lose even more focus.

I have lost focus of who I was, who I am and who I want to be.

I have lost focus of what I do, what I think and what I feel. Once, I would have rejoiced at staying at home before quarantine, and yet afterwards, I cannot seem to shake this feeling of being torn by my own thinking.

Maybe I can change this mentality and get myself back on track. Perhaps I will break down further. The only thing that I know for certain, and have remained true to for years, is that whatever happens, time passes by, deadlines and quarantines will pass, and one way or another, I can get closure to my thoughts and feelings. Maybe then I can be at peace.