The Scary Side of Climbing My Mountains

By: Judith Uttendorfer
@judith_utd

Declaring Music as my major at AUC has long been my mountain to climb. It has not only been a pursued hope, but a perseverance of purpose which I only very recently achieved. 

And while the experience of overcoming the obstacles such as they exist has been amazing – one that has already taught me so much not only in playing my instrument, but also on a personal level – it does become scary at times.

I will perform in my first solo concert accompanied by an orchestra next Thursday. A dream come true, really, but the thing about being so close to realizing your dreams is that suddenly you’re trepidatious of the moment it will actually happen.

One would expect that all the long hours of practice, the days and weeks that required every tiny bit of self-control to keep me going, all the previous performances, all my classes, every word of advice and critique from my professors, would have prepared me for exactly that moment on stage.

But what if I screw it up? What if everything I’ve worked for comes crashing down in a matter of minutes? 

“Don’t think, just play and enjoy,” Professor Khaled Saleh advised me. These are words I try to live by. I have to live by.

It is not an easy thing to do letting go of the rationale, starting to feel, and trusting that everything I learned before is internalized in such a way that allows me to do exactly that – play and enjoy.

I believe, that more than any class I’ve taken, this has been the greatest learning experience. I will withstand the self-doubt and experience a first taste of success. And that final note played will serve as a reminder on what it is I am fighting for.

Being close to achieving a dream has made me reevaluate and validate my path. Actually realizing this dream will open the door to creating new ones.

And the new dreams – climbing my next mountain and reaching new heights – will again be very exciting and scary to approach. 

New dreams, that will keep me working. New dreams that I know will ultimately be worth it.