Day 95: All Packed and Nowhere to Go

Day 95: June 29, 2020
Global Cases: 10, 402, 906; Deaths: 507, 528
Egypt Cases: 66, 754 Deaths: 2, 872

Reem Elmaghraby
@reemelmaghrabyy

Multimedia Journalism Junior

It was 9am and I was searching the internet for any information on flights when an image of my dad wearing his scrubs and walking around what seemed to be a parking lot popped up on my screen.

He was taking a walk far from the hospital where he works telling me he just needed a breath of fresh air since he couldn’t take his mask off in the hospital at all.

He’s been greeting me with ‘how’s your health?’ lately instead of the usual ‘how are you?’.

After the phone call, I went about my usual routine, I tidied up my bed and got changed and decided to make breakfast.

Nowadays, my siblings and I have been cooking a lot. We’d send pictures to each other of what we made and decide who won for the day. It’s a nice distraction to everything going on, with them being in a different country. My brother made custard and Nutella filled donuts today, so he was announced the winner of breakfast.

After that I usually sit down and write for a bit or watch a series from my growing watch list.

Sometimes, I’d start looking for apartments that were available for rent since the last email the Office of Residential Life sent us said that we’d have to move out of AUC’s off-campus buildings by July 24.

A friend of mine recently was able to go back to her family abroad and I was hoping I’d be able to do so as well but I can never be too sure. Saudi Arabia has 3,493 new cases today.

I remember when I was so hopeful that I’d be reunited with my family, but that hope has been dying away day by day.

I started experiencing sleep paralysis at least twice a week (my dad said it’s due to stress and a bad sleeping schedule) and I’m now scared of falling asleep. The thought of waking up and not being able to move frightens me. At first, I would scream in a hopeless effort to try and get someone to hear me and calm me down until I could move again. But of course, it would just be muffled.

Today, I didn’t try to scream. My heart was pounding like crazy and I was still terrified, but I just waited for it to pass by. It emulated exactly how I feel right now. Helpless.

Honestly, I was doing fine up until we had to move from the on-campus dorms to the off-campus buildings on April 12.

For some reason when I got that email informing us of the move, something just snapped in me. Honestly, the transition was probably for the best, though it could’ve been executed better.

But my problem wasn’t that they told us we had to move; it was because they just left us in the dark after that. They told us we had to be out by the 12th. Nothing on procedures, room assignments, or if we even got accepted to be moved.

And then when we finally got the information, everything was just hectic. I packed up all my stuff in a day. People started telling us different information. One day it was ‘oh never mind you’ll stay where you are’ and the next it was ‘oh nope ya gotta move’.

Then before I knew it, I was sitting in the back of a pickup truck surrounded by all my stuff getting transported to my other temporary residence.

Before I moved, I had three roommates, and I didn’t realize how much I depended on them until they left, and I was alone. No one to keep me company. No noises, just me and my thoughts. I’d wake up, eat, think, watch something, sleep, and then repeat. The routine has started to get to me, so I’ve been trying to add in something new every day.

I started talking to my family a lot. Sometimes we’d talk about normal stuff and act like the virus isn’t really happening which was quite rare since my dad is constantly on the front lines and is exposed to it on a daily basis and others it would be all we would talk about. On days when I’d feel extra lonely (like today), we’d talk about both.

Ever since I’ve been alone, I’ve grown to really hate the silence. A lot of times I would just want to keep my family on the phone and just imagine myself there with them. I could hear the sound of lasers, grunting, and ‘hey it’s my turn! You’ve been hogging it for hours!’ as my siblings played on their console, the sound of movement in the kitchen, and the soft sound of Om Kalthoum coming from my dad’s ear phones.

I don’t think this desire to be with them is simply because I miss them. I’ve spent prolonged times away from them and sure I missed them, but I’ve never felt like I needed them.

Before this all started, I could just book a plane and be with them in a couple hours but that’s no longer an option anymore.

I think it’s because of the uncertainty of everything. Every day is a risk back home and whatever happens, I have absolutely no control over it. And that’s terrifying.

For The Caravan‘s previous diary entries in Arabic and English go to our COVID-19 Special Coverage page.

Every day my dad goes to work, he’s putting himself, my mother, and my siblings in danger.

Every time my dad doesn’t answer the phone, the worst-case scenario pops into my head.

Every time they go shopping for groceries, I’d hope that everyone in the store is taking their precautions as well in order to keep my parents safe.

But eventually he’d call me back and tell me to calm down and that everything is going to be fine. But I could see how stressed he was.

I worry about my family a lot. It’s been what’s on my mind mostly. It’s what weighs me down the most.

I daydream about finally stepping off the plane and exiting the airport and taking the long drive back to our house.

I miss them. I miss greeting them at the airport. I miss my dad reprimanding me for not wearing my abaya as soon as I’m off the plane. I miss my sister nagging me about how I’m ruining her gym (aka my room) by coming back. I miss staying up late playing video games with my brothers. I miss the commotion and the constant talking and bickering.

I moved to the off campus dorms around two months ago but I still have all my stuff packed into boxes and bags because I don’t want to admit that it’ll still be a while before I get to go back home.